Parents reveal the ‘village’ it takes to raise children

They say it takes a village to raise a child – but more than one in 10 modern parents have no one to support them.

A study of 1,000 mums and dads of children aged 10 and under found 71 per cent admitted they would have been lost without the help of others, having an average of three people on speed dial.

With the average parent having five people on hand to make life easier.

But busy work schedules (42 per cent), living too far from relatives (41 per cent) and not wanting to burden others (37 per cent) have been blamed for it being harder to build a village around you as a parent today.

Along with friends being at different life stages (32 per cent), a lack of local community (25 per cent) and smaller family networks (24 per cent).

As a result, 56 per cent relied on virtual support from a group of online parents, including the likes of parenting group chats, Facebook groups and Instagram pages.

Melissa Cohen, spokesperson for Vitabiotics Pregnacare, which commissioned the research, said: “Support during pregnancy and while parenting can make all the difference, but not everyone has a village around them.

“Many are living further away than ever from friends and family and building a village from scratch can seem like a daunting prospect.

“But it doesn’t have to be vast, with a crowd of people around you.

“Whether it’s physical support, someone on the end of the phone or even online, it all helps to give you guidance, advice or simply just an ear when you need it.”

The study also found that parents feel the most important role to have in their village – online or face-to-face - is other mums and dads who had been there and done it before (61 per cent).

While 57 per cent said someone who can be your emotional support is essential, along with the ‘practical helper’ – someone who can cook for you in the early days or be on hand to help with an emergency school run.

But 16 per cent think it’s important that at least one person in your close circle doesn’t have children – to provide respite from the baby talk.

For 42 per cent, the biggest benefit of having a village was simply feeling less alone, followed by having support during difficult moments (41 per cent) and reducing stress or anxiety (41 per cent).

More than a third (34 per cent) also said they had more confidence in the parenting decisions they made as a result of their village, while 28 per cent credited it with helping them to get out of the house.

While 26 per cent said it allowed them to enjoy parenting more.

But when it comes to asking for help, parents found it most difficult to request support simply to allow them to have time for themselves (29 per cent).

Nearly a quarter struggled to ask for help overnight (23 per cent) while 21 per cent found it hard to admit they were finding things difficult generally.

Others found it hard to ask for help with household tasks (19 per cent), emotional reassurance (18 per cent) and even help with childcare (18 per cent).

However, far from it being a chore, 51 per cent of those polled, via OnePoll, claimed they would honoured to be thought of as part of someone’s village, while 32 per cent went as far as to say they would feel proud.

In a modern village, emotional support was considered the most important role (44 per cent), ahead of practical help (38 per cent) and giving honest advice instead of perfect answers (38 per cent).

Antenatal teacher and birth and postnatal doula, Sarah Ockwell-Smith, said: “As humans we are meant to parent as a tribe, sharing the roles (both emotional and physical) with each other.

“Only a generation or two ago the mental and physical load would be shared with family who lived nearby and would be able to step in at any moment.

“Now, we are all so busy working, keeping a roof over our heads, putting food on the table, and making sure that our children are happy and healthy, often entirely alone, and unsupported, and it’s no surprise that so many struggle.

“We simply weren’t meant to do it alone. The good news though is that it is possible to build a constellation of much needed support around you, with just a few easy to follow tips.

“We are all better parents when we feel like we are part of a nurturing community, sometimes we are lucky enough to have that social support naturally and sometimes we have to work to create the community that we so need.”

PARENTS’ MOST IMPORTANT ROLES TO HAVE IN A VILLAGE:

1. Someone who has been there and done it before (61 per cent)
2. The emotional support (57 per cent)
3. The practical helper (48 per cent)
4. Someone who is calm in a crisis (42 per cent)
5. The reliable babysitter (40 per cent)
6. The fun aunt or uncle who can play with the children (32 per cent)
7. Someone who had a child at the same time as me (28 per cent)
8. Someone who is organised and knows the important nursery or school dates (23 per cent)
9. A doctor (23 per cent)
10. A social butterfly (14 per cent)

SARAH OCKWELL-SMITH’S TOP FIVE TIPS TO BUILD A VILLAGE

1. Don’t be afraid to speak to other parents.

Yes, it can be hard if you’re an introvert, but that other mum or dad at the playgroup you visit who you desperately wish would ask you to meet up for coffee may be thinking the same about you. Try to be brave and make the first move.

2. Don’t wait to be offered help, ask for it.

Sometimes people would love to help out but don’t want to overstep the line because they worry you will feel that they are interfering and meddling. Asking family or friends to do something specific for you is much more likely to result in the help that you need.

3. Start a WhatsApp group.

If you go to a baby class or group, ask the person who runs it if they could suggest that you all share contact details, or, with everybody’s consent set up a WhatsApp (or similar) group that you can all keep in touch on. Getting the group organiser to do this take the pressure off of you (and others).

4. Find your tribe online.

The internet can be an amazing way to meet other parent friends, especially if you live in an area where it’s tricky for you to meet people in real life. Try to find groups for areas that interest you, or that you identify with in your parenting, to find soulmates (for instance natural parenting groups, international and multi-lingual families, single parent families etc.).

5. Don’t compare yourself to people on the internet.

Meeting other parents online is a brilliant way to build a village, but it can be tough sometimes too, especially if you feel like everybody else is much more together and a better parent than you. Remember online isn’t real-life, it’s a carefully curated image. In reality these parents who seem to be perfect are also dealing with sleepless nights, messy homes, toddler tantrums, and feelings of inadequacy, however perfect they may appear to be.